Don’t Let Doubt Take Out Your Marriage

3 Ways to Resolve Conflict and Give Your Spouse the Benefit of the Doubt.

My wife, Julie, and I had our first argument on our honeymoon. We were leaving a parking garage in Charleston, South Carolina, and I couldn’t find the parking ticket. Cars were piling up behind us. The parking garage attendant looked frustrated, and I was in a bit of a panic. I looked over and saw Julie glancing in the mirror, putting on lipstick, completely unaware of the situation. My frustration came through in my voice when I asked her, “Would you help me find the ticket?” To be fair, when she tells this story, she says my voice had a low, guttural, demonic sound. I don’t remember it that way, but I do remember the hours of deafening silence that followed.

Looking back on that story, we both can laugh now, but in the moment, it brought conflict into our relationship—conflict that created separation. When conflict enters a marriage, it can cause you to doubt the other person and their intentions. It can make you question their love and commitment. It plants the seeds of doubt that cause you to ask why they reacted that way—why they treated you that way. The seeds are planted, and they begin to grow. 

Most of us were never equipped to handle conflict in our relationships. I don’t recall one class in high school or college dedicated to conflict resolution, but it’s a skill we all need to master. If conflict goes unchecked or unresolved, it has the potential to destroy a marriage. Conflict itself isn’t bad, but unresolved conflict can erode the foundations of a relationship, opening the door for doubt. Doubt and suspicion are often the subtle intruders. They sneak into our hearts and minds, often unnoticed at first, but over time, they can become barriers between us and those we love. Instead of believing the best about our spouse, we doubt their motives and withhold honor. 

Here are 3 ways you can give your spouse the benefit of the doubt instead of letting doubt take your marriage out: 

1. Fight On Your Knees

Studies show that less than One percent of couples who pray together will ever get divorced. Less than One percent! That’s amazing, especially when the divorce rate is over 50 percent in our nation. If you pray together, there’s a 99 percent chance you will stay together. The one thing you can do to practically divorce-proof your marriage is pray together, yet many couples rarely do. The reason is that it can be awkward to get started. When I’ve encouraged couples to pray together, they tell me they don’t know how to start—what to pray about. It just seems awkward. But many things are awkward when you first start them. I’m sure it was awkward when you started riding a bike. When I started playing golf—very awkward. The hardest part is just getting started. 

The best defense is a great offense. When you pray with each other and for each other, there are hurtful words that will never be spoken. Fights that will never break out. Apologies that will never have to be given. But the hardest time to start praying is when you’re in an argument. In fact, it will be the last thing you want to do. So pray now. Begin to make praying together a part of your everyday life. Normalize it, and when you do, prayer will render doubt powerless in the relationship. 

2. Fight for the Relationship

Usually when conflict happens, we are fighting against the other person. Fighting for our voice to be heard. Fighting for what we think is right. We see them as the enemy, but they’re not. “For we are not fighting against flesh-and-blood enemies, but against evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world, against mighty powers in this dark world, and against evil spirits in the heavenly places” (Ephesians. 6:12). Paul lets us in on a huge secret. We have an enemy, but it’s not your spouse. Jesus said, “The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy” (John 10:10). Your spiritual enemy wants to destroy your family, ruin your marriage, and rob you of your peace. You are in a war zone; just make sure you’re not fighting your allies. It’s okay to get angry; just make sure you focus that anger at the right adversary. 

When you’re in an argument with your spouse, it’s not them, and it’s not about whatever you’re fighting about. It’s a spiritual attack on your home, your relationship, and your joy. It’s a frontal attack from your enemy to bring division and stir up doubt and suspicion in the relationship. When you can identify the enemy for who he is, you are able to take him out before he takes your marriage out.

3. Make the First Move

Matthew 5:9 says, “Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called children of God.” But there’s a difference between being a peacemaker and a peace-faker. Peace fakers are passive, hoping their silence or lack of engagement in the discussion will create peace. But instead, it usually creates a big gap in the relationship, as it did that day on our honeymoon. Peace-fakers hope peace will happen. Peacemakers make peace happen. They take the initiative. Jesus called peacemakers ‘children of God’ because children can’t help but reflect and resemble their parents—and our Heavenly Father is the ultimate Peacemaker. From the very beginning, God ran toward conflict and brokenness. He always makes the first move, doing whatever is necessary to make peace. He goes so far as to give us His Son as a payment for sin so we can live at peace with Him. Peacemakers are like their Father. 

So are you a peacemaker or a peace-faker? Are you hoping peace will happen, or are you making it happen, working to resolve the conflict, and having courageous conversations? Are you fighting for peace or just fighting? You have the chance to turn it all around. If you get better, your marriage is guaranteed to get at least 50 percent better because you are 50 percent of the relationship. 

If doubt has crept into your marriage and you’ve created a cycle of conflict, suspicion, or peace-faking, it’s time to do things differently. Fight on your knees, fight for (not against) one another, and make the first move. Invite God to renew the foundation of your marriage because the truth is, God can do more in seconds than man can do in centuries. And if God can take the conflict on my honeymoon and turn it into something Julie and I can laugh about—God can certainly turn any conflict around in your marriage too. 

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